Saturday, August 22, 2009

#52 knock knock knock

It's much easier to write about fear. Fear is all I know.

My whole maturing life George W Bush ruled my country. You are used to me giving you more than one example.

Fear is easy, fear is definite. When I read Steven King books in the room with too many windows to look at at once and had nightmares of people crawling up the drainpipe and killing me in my sleep which kept me awake for many hours (spent listening to the radio for happy music to fall asleep to ("fall asleep fast before Barbie Girl finishes" (I should have known then))) - that fear couldn't be mistaken for anything else. Fear.

Love. How does that make you feel? I know it's hard to forget the face that pops into your mind, even more so that I've addressed the face, or the one that you try to keep out of your mind, but let these thoughts pass away and concentrate on the feeling. Love in the chest, the tightening of your lungs, it feels a lot like fear doesn't it?

I think the symbol for love is stupid; you don't feel love in your heart, but in your brain, the chemicals ache when they shoot into your cerebellum affecting the rest of your body, and how could they not start in the brain, because your heart doesn't see love nor feel love through touching the skin. Those my good friend are electrodes in the nervous system and ocular tissue connected directly to the brain. I'm sorry I had to tell you there was no Santa Claus.

you know a heart is the symbol for restroom in Switzerland?

Anyway, what I mean to say is that these feelings of love are in direct contrast to the mind which is why we've pushed the symbols of love away from the brain - how do they contrast? Love is irrational. By all reason, especially biological, we should not couple but fuck each other regardless of attraction to permeate life much less restrict our fucking to something we only feel. Trying to deconstruct love through rational means leaves you with heartbreak, an absense of love.

Do we really fall in love, or do we untie our shoelaces and walk a few miles around an abyss of love until: oops!

My father described to me once the way he met my mother. They both attended class together at Saint Johns University, and became friends - I think it was some biology lab. Only after being friends did they realize they had feelings for each other. He told me that this was a good way to fall in love, by trying not to look for it.

This is how my story has played out, a derivative of my fathers life. I was not on a search, rather I was completely against a search of love, and still it has found me, my shoes fly off in two directions loosed from my feet and Santa Claus has ridden a restroom-symbol-shaped sleigh out of a great hole in the earth.

Trying to rationalize this is dumb, as is any doubting or denying.

A great many people when speaking of religion may say, "I do not believe in God but I do believe in a greater force than human beings." I agree, and I've tapped something that will continue to teach me even after I've forgotten these words because of its constance. Thank you.

3 comments:

Baby Bear said...

Love and fear are two sides of the same coin, for sure. There is nothing more terrifying than realizing you love someone because that means you could lose a part of yourself should they disappear. It is looking at a very deep abyss and jumping in even though you have no idea how deep it will go and if/when you will smash into the bottom.
I think we should symbolize love as a stomach because that is where I always feel it - but I also have a slight obsession with food and eating, so most of my emotions are felt in my stomach.
Finally, I don't know if people can deliberately fall in love. For that matter, can you even deliberately fall? Falling sort of implies an accident or unexpected occurrence, which is why I have always liked the phrase falling in love. The couples I know who I really think are good together tend to be the ones who were friends first and then unexpectedly realized that they loved each other. It's a more honest love at least because you already know the person and are falling in love with who they are and not some projection of who they could turn out to be.

LAudaP said...

"my shoes fly off in two directions loosed from my feet and Santa Claus has ridden a restroom-symbol-shaped sleigh out of a great hole in the earth"

this may be the best description of love i have ever encountered. now THATS a love symbol.

realizing how close love and fear are is great, because the next realization (which many people never accept) is that you probably love what you fear as well. fear is very sexual. love is very sexual.

yes, i just wrote "love is very sexual." i'm really fucking proud of it, too.

love is about merging. fear is about resisting a merge. maybe the symbol for love should be a merge sign.

i'm all about merging. it's my favorite thing to do. joining. being part of what you are already part of. it's easy. love. love is easy, and very sexual.

Neil Young:

"Woke up this mornin
love in mind
rainin outside
but my love still shined
kept me warm
til my plane touched the sky"

becca, i love you.
colin, i love you.

Anonymous said...

Love and fear definitely not related.
You can fear being in love. Love and fear may have the same effects on the body, and even come from the same part of the brain etc.
But love and fear are not related.
If you have ever really been in love, there is no fear.
After being on this earth for almost 1/2 century I only fear one thing.
Dieing alone. Actually, I welcome death.
After having lost true love twice in my life. I'm done.
I will tell you one thing. Love is sneaky.
What you think may be love may not be, and visa versa.
One thing is for certain. When you loose love that you have had. YOU WILL KNOW.
Funny thing about love, it can feel the same falling in, and loosing it.
Love hurts both ways.
So my young ones. Real love only comes once or twice. Keep your eyes open.
Don't let it get away.
But don't be fooled with "Wanting to love" and "Being in Love"
I wish you all the best. Live long and be horny.
Haahaa.. I may die alone but I'll always be a horny old man.